Through the Boob Tube Darkly - A Post-Surgical Perspective

I wrote this post over a few days last weekend from notes I took in the hospital and during my first week or so at home. During that time, I was still taking pain meds on a very regular basis. Yes, the photo is my hospital room and IV.

I'm feeling much better today and no longer take the pain meds except when going to physical therapy. We're in a heat wave here, but I've had no reason to leave my apartment at all and I have the air conditioner on low. I'm feeling so good today that I came up with my own physical therapy! I put on a CD I have with old hits like "Wooly Bully" and "Louie Louie," cranked the volume, and danced or dance/walked my way around the apartment. I twisted a bit; I made a point of bending my knee and putting weight on it -- no walker (been folded all week), no crutch ... on my feet! Although the knee got very warm, it didn't hurt and still doesn't now a half-hour after I stopped acting like a lunatic. My cat wasn't thrilled, though.

Without further ado, here's the rather drug-induced post --

Before I get into my list of what my drug-induced mind has been either entertained or irked by, I have to spend a moment talking about hospital televisions. One day, you too could end up in the hospital and you'll remember my words of wisdom here.

First, it was a great 42 inch flat screen, better than my televisions here at home. Thank you. Oh, and I had a DVD player, too! Woohoo! But it's all downhill from there. What? No remotes? What's up with that? There I was, strictly bed-bound for four days before they let me get up and I don't have a darned remote at all for the DVD player? Not only that, but the DVD player was across the room from me! How about the remote for the television? It's not a real one! Hooked into the "call nurse," more pain meds thingee, and change bed positions doohickey, I had an on/off for the television and up/down controls for channel changing. No numerics, mind you. I was stuck going through the realm of channels to get at anything I wanted to watch.

So, hospitals, listen up. I was not there for comedy relief accidentally shooting myself up with more pain meds when I just wanted to watch The Late Show with David Letterman. I wasn't there to make a spectacle of myself contorting my bed into odd positions when I merely wanted to find anything other than an infomercial at 4:00 in the morning. And if you're thoughtful enough to have a DVD player there, put it where the patient can actually operate it. Real remotes are desperately needed. Feel free to search my belongings. Body search me on the way out since you've already shred any dignity and privacy I ever had. I won't steal the remote; I have plenty of my own. I won't mention that the on/off switch for the lights on the doohickey did nothing. Oops, I mentioned it.

Then, after nearly a week in the hospital, I went home sweet home. Home, where I know my cable stations, home where I have real remotes. Home, where I had set up everything convenient for limited mobility. Now, since I've been home, I've still been pretty heavily medicated. It's made for a long strange trip of television watching between the zombie state and the insomnia. Here are some of my observations from that state of mind, not in any particular order:

1. The Late Show with David Letterman - Reruns last week on my first almost full week home? Yeah, I know it was the end of May Sweeps, but sheesh, Dave ... it's bad enough you had Jack Hanna on for the same night as my surgery and I missed my favorite guest on the show. Oh, and the Stupid Pet Tricks were on the pathetic side this time around. Dave, you let me down.

2. Dexter - I don't have Showtime and was trying to catch the first season when they aired it on CBS. Due to writing up the Sunday night Big Brother review, I missed enough to make me buy the first season on DVD. Great show, can watch while medicated and I sometimes identify with Dexter. But I don't go around killing people for either good cause or bad. I have been known to kill bugs on the "he needed to die" basis, but I don't think that's a crime.

3. The Meerkats movie on Animal Planet - Whoa, too much background into the filming of the series. I fell asleep both times I tried to watch it. Hey, maybe that's the cure for my insomnia! I enjoyed the series and I'm looking forward to the new season, but this didn't do anything for me.

4. Raw Nature on Animal Planet - Oh, animals eating each other, always a diversion from life at home! This kept my interest, but I think my cat got too much into watching it. You know, I've heard tell of cats eating their deceased owners. Eep.

5. Old original series Law and Order on TNT - My interest in this show has waned over the past few years, but I like the older episodes with Benjamin Bratt. Whether it's poor memory or the drugs I've been on, I didn't even remember a few of these I watched. So it was like new entertainment for me.

6. The Andromeda Strain on A&E - Speaking of Benjamin Bratt ... he's still adorable these days! I know I have the book and I saw the original movie, but it's been decades. It didn't wow me, but I stayed awake through it.

7. Judge David Young - This is a judge show I haven't watched too often, so he's pretty fresh for me. I think some of his rulings seem to come from his heart and not the law, but that's what people get for wanting to go on TV instead of a real court with their foolishness.

8. Homicide: Life on the Street - As many times as I see this show, I still want to watch it again. I was ticked at the hospital for not having a cable company which included WGN. Now that I'm home, Kellerman killed Luther Mahoney. Cool.

9. Criminal Minds - This show has always been up against something else I watch and I never had the time to watch many recorded shows due to life constraints. Perfect, A&E is carrying it now. Fresh fodder for me.

10. The latest Optimum Online Triple Play commercial - This is so overplayed! I didn't like the rap one last year and this one is even more annoying. It sometimes plays three times within a half-hour on some stations. Gack. I just see that Optimum flour bag and start to cringe. I only enjoy the lawn guy winking. Make it stop. (And they're the company which doesn't carry WGN!)

11. The First 48 on A&E - Played at all hours in the middle of the night, nothing like a good murder or two to keep the TV zombie staring at the set.

12. So You Think You Can Dance - I don't watch Dancing With the Stars, but this show is a constant hit for me. But just wait until some of these dancers get some good years on those knees. They'll end up in a hospital without real remotes for the TV!

13. American Idol winner David Cook on The Early Show - Darn it. A crane fell and we only had one song while I'm sure there was to be two. Not that I'm cold-hearted, but here in the NYC area, all programming on all local stations carried the news until well past noon. Five hours of pretty much the same news shots with little or no real new news during that time. I was thankful noon came around and WGN with its Homicide comes out of Chicago.

14. Reruns of Home Improvement and Rosanne on either TVLand or Nick - I never really watched the former when it originally aired. So it's like mindless light fluff entertainment for me, grunt. As for Rosanne, watching it after so many years made me remember why I enjoyed the series in the first place.

15. Groomer Has It on Animal Planet - Although I'm getting tired of the same old formula for reality shows, I still got hooked on this one. They should groom more cats, though. And, as entertaining as Artist is, he's a weak groomer.

16. Forensic Files and The Investigators on truTV - More real murders. I think perhaps I have a twisted mind. I still think truTV is a dumb brand for the station, but they didn't ask me.

17. The Wire on DVD - Ah, now I have the time to go through the four seasons I own without much real life interference (day job) cutting into my viewing time. Come August, I'll have season five. Life is good. Well, maybe not for the corner boys, but I'm more of a stoop kind of gal.

18. Hell's Kitchen - Matt has to go. I think his presence makes my knee hurt more. Thus I have to take more pain meds. It's Matt's fault! (Update - he's gone and my knee feels better!)

19. The Smoking Gun Presents on truTV - Now, any reality TV blogger knows The Smoking Gun website. For years it was the source for dirt on reality contestants. So when I found this in my channel surfing, I watched. Leif Garret, Tonya Harding, Danny Bonaduce and other Z List celebs known for their stupidity judge the stupidity of others on video. Hmm ... if Darwin's Theory of natural selection were indeed correct, all of these people should be gone, right? That said, it made me laugh. Of course, it could be my medication.

20. Saturday Night Fever movie repeat this past Saturday - A blast from the past and I was surprised I watched it all the way through. "You hit my hair. I worked hours on it and you hit my hair." Oh, I should be dancing. But I don't think my orthopedic surgeon would approve.

21. Sunday Morning on CBS - Always a part of my Sunday morning routine, this brings a sense of normality to my bizarre life of late.

22. NYCTV25 from NYC.gov - This is a local cable station, but always interesting. From Cool in Your Code to the music to the events to Secrets of New York, it makes me want to get back to photo stomping around town. Yep, an incentive to recover!

23. Trauma: Life in the E.R. on Discovery/Health - Like I haven't had enough of hospitals, eh? Maybe this caught my attention because I'm grateful this was a planned surgery. I don't know.

24. Living Lohan - That's a half hour of my life I'll never get back. Even on medication, this is a waste of my valuable time. I could be dancing, y'know!

So there you go. I feel a bit like the guy in A Clockwork Orange with his eyes forced open, a true TV zombie. Pardon me, it's 2 AM and I found Without a Trace.